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March 2022

Good Grief

March 20, 2022 – “Good Grief: Will it all be Better in Heaven?” by Rev. Cody Sandahl

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First Reading = John 1:1-14

1In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2He was in the beginning with God. 3All things came into being through him, and without him not one thing came into being. What has come into being 4in him was life, and the life was the light of all people.

5The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it. 6There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. 7He came as a witness to testify to the light, so that all might believe through him. 8He himself was not the light, but he came to testify to the light. 9The true light, which enlightens everyone, was coming into the world. 10He was in the world, and the world came into being through him; yet the world did not know him. 11He came to what was his own, and his own people did not accept him. 12But to all who received him, who believed in his name, he gave power to become children of God, 13who were born, not of blood or of the will of the flesh or of the will of man, but of God. 14And the Word became flesh and lived  among us, and we have seen his glory, the glory as of a father’s only  son, full of grace and truth.

Introduction

We are still in our series trying to cultivate good grief. Last week we talked about finding purpose even while suffering or grieving. We can’t change the past, but we can definitely influence the future. Instead of asking, “Why did this happen to me?”, we can ask “Now that this has happened to me, how will I respond?”

This week we are covering a different set of cliches that are often said to a grieving person. During this series we will try to unveil the good intentions behind many of the cliches along with the unhelpful side effects or simple incomplete picture of actually saying them to someone who is grieving. And then we’ll try to find some tools and principles for good grief. This week we’re going to start with, “There’s a better place.” When things are bad here, does it help your grieving to know that heaven is better? Let’s chat about that!

Our text today is from the book of Hebrews. This is an explanation of why Jesus came down from heaven. So this is why Jesus reversed the cliché, left the “better place,” and came down to live with us.

Sermon Text = Hebrews 2:10-18

10It was fitting that God, for whom  and through whom all things exist, in bringing many children to glory,  should make the pioneer of their salvation perfect through sufferings. 11For the one who sanctifies and those who  are sanctified all have one Father. For this reason Jesus is not  ashamed to call them brothers and sisters, 12saying, “I will proclaim your name to my brothers and sisters, in the midst of the congregation I will praise you.” 13And again, “I will put my trust in him.” And again, “Here am I and the children whom God has given me.”

14Since, therefore, the children  share flesh and blood, he himself likewise shared the same things, so  that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death,  that is, the devil, 15and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by the fear of death. 16For it is clear that he did not come to help angels, but the descendants of Abraham. 17Therefore he had to become like his  brothers and sisters in every respect, so that he might be a merciful  and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make a sacrifice of  atonement for the sins of the people. 18Because he himself was tested by what he suffered, he is able to help those who are being tested.

More Than Meets the Eye

I’ve shared before that my grandfather was in a wheelchair for the rest of his life after contracting polio as a young man. And he died when I was fairly young. But I do remember some moments from his funeral. Specifically, I remember having a brief vision of Gramps in heaven, and he was walking around on his own two legs. So I told my mom, “In heaven, Gramps can walk.”

And I do firmly believe that to be true. In all the Biblical visions of heaven, I don’t recall hearing about wheelchairs or rescue medications or the need for memory care or pain pills. And so I do believe it is accurate to say when one of the faithful has died, “At least they’re in a better place.” It’s true!

But let’s dig a little deeper. Because there’s an unhelpful way to use that phrase and a helpful way to use that phrase.

The core idea behind telling someone, “at least they’re in a better place” is that there’s more to reality than meets the eye. There’s the visible, but there’s also the invisible. There’s earth, but there’s also heaven. This whole Creation that God made has what we can see, but, like the Transformers cartoon show theme song taught me in elementary schol, there’s “More than meets the eye.”

That’s the core idea behind similar cliches like “this life is not our home,” or “it will all be better in heaven,” or “I’m just passing through on my way to heaven.” They’re all saying that God made more than we can see. And that’s true.

In fact, Philippians 3 tells us this directly. Paul writes, “But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.”

So there you have it! We are citizens of heaven, and our lowly bodies will become glorious. Sign me up! And hopefully I can have a glorious body in heaven while still eating chocolate donuts. If there’s no chocolate donuts up there…I don’t know!

So it can be helpful and comforting to remember that there’s more going on than meets the eye. It can be helpful and comforting to remember that death is not the end. It can be helpful and comforting to remember that some day all of our tears will be wiped from our eyes. It can be helpful and comforting when we are troubled by injustice to remember that God has a longer timeline than we do for rectifying that. Like the Transformers, there’s more than meets the eye!

But that doesn’t mean that we should stop crying today. That doesn’t mean we should stop worrying about injustice today. That doesn’t mean we should stop investing in this visible world today. That doesn’t mean our “lowly bodies” are like those disposable paper Dixie cups ready to be thrown out in the garbage bin of history.

Valuable Bodies and Lives

Because these bodies and these lives we live and this planet we’re on all matter. Jesus didn’t become a disposable Dixie cup. He became flesh and blood and dwelt among us. We might be citizens of heaven, but this world and these lives and these bodies and our joys and pains and tears and triumphs matter!

Even that passage I read from Philippians 3 that says we’re citizens of heaven, how does it end? “[he] will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.” That means our bodies still matter in eternity. We’re not disembodied spirits floating around forever, we have glorious bodies, Paul says! That’s what happens at the final redemption in the book of Revelation, too. There’s a new earth and a new heaven – both are re-created – and we receive resurrected bodies.

These bodies matter! The physicists in our midst are thinking, “These bodies are matter,” which is true, but they also matter! Our lives matter! So we might be citizens of heaven, but that doesn’t mean our time here on earth is just busy work. That doesn’t mean a grieving person shouldn’t be sad! That doesn’t mean our losses are trivial! They matter!

But there’s still more going on than meets the eye – on earth, as it is in heaven. In 1809, many people waited with baited breath to hear the latest news about the battles waged across Europe by Napoleon and his armies. Everyone thought the most important events were the epic battles of 1809. Question for you: can you name any battles from 1809? Waterloo wasn’t until 1815 , so no dice on that one!

But elsewhere in the world in 1809, some families were welcoming some tiny, unknown babies into the world. Abraham Lincoln. Charles Darwin. Composer Felix Mendelssohn. Poet Alfred, Lord Tennyson. Have you heard of any of those little babies born while the world was focused on Napoleon’s campaign of 1809?

We might be focused on our battles, while God is birthing something new at the same time. And these new births, whether literal or figurative, aren’t in heaven. They’re right here on earth. The Good News is not that we can forget our bodies and lives because they’re just the caterpillar phase of our eventual butterfly nature. No, the Good News is that Jesus affirmed and redeemed our bodies and existence right here on earth.

Here’s how our reading from Hebrews puts it, “Because he himself was tested by what he suffered, he is able to help those who are being tested.” That doesn’t say that we should just move on from our grief because heaven is so much better. It says Jesus suffered, so he knows how to help us in our suffering right now here on earth. Very different message.

So again, it is true that some day it will be better. It is true that our eternal destiny is more glorious than what we have here. And if that comforts you in your grief, hold onto that because it’s true! But Jesus also came to redeem our lives right here on earth.

No matter the situation, hope is not lost, because God is at work here on earth as he is in heaven. Jesus took on flesh because God cares about our bodies and lives and tears and sufferings. There’s more than meets the eye right now, because God is at work right now. So you don’t have to sweep your pain under the rug and wait for that better someday, you can cry out to Jesus who knows suffering!

Incarnation

One of the most influential early church theologians and preachers was Origen. And he said that when Jesus came in person, it was like God shrank himself down to a size that people could actually see.

Ancient scholars tried to figure out the size and shape of the world. Eratosthenes measured the shadow cast by the sun at noon in two distant cities. Using a stick and some math, he calculated the circumference of the Earth in 276 BC, and he was only off by 0.1%. He was so smart, we still remember his genius 2200 years later.

But 2200 years ago, it took a historical genius to figure out the earth’s size and shape. On the other hand, we have a globe in my younger son’s room. We were playing with it just a few days ago. He can see that the earth is a sphere, that it has a tilt to its axis, that it spins, the proportions of the different landmasses. No math required. He can just see it, because the globe is a shrunk down version of the earth.

Like a globe, Jesus is God shrunk down to the size that we can finally grasp who God is without having to be generational geniuses. And he didn’t come as a set of ideas. He came as a person. Our first text says he “became flesh and dwelt among us.” In theology, this is called the incarnation, and it is one of the most important concepts in our faith.

Michael Spencer wrote, “Without the incarnation, Christianity isn’t even a very good story, and most sadly, it means nothing. “Be nice to one another” is not a message that can give my life meaning, assure me of love beyond brokenness, and break open the dark doors of death with the key of hope. The incarnation is an essential part of Jesus-shaped spirituality.”

There is so much more than meets the eye. There is so much more going on than we can see. But that’s not because this world is just a blip on the radar. It’s because God himself took on flesh and dwelt among us and that sent out shock waves that are still shaping us to this day.

Good grief doesn’t hide the tears because heaven is our home. Good grief weeps, knowing that Jesus took on flesh and wept – and he weeps with us still. Good grief doesn’t pretend that our struggles don’t matter since we’re just on our way to heaven. Good grief wrestles with the struggles, knowing that Jesus struggled – and he wrestles with our struggles still. Good grief embraces the fact that Jesus was a person with a body who valued bodily people and displayed shocking acts of love in this very physical world. That’s the incarnation.

The incarnation is the difference between saying, “God gave us some good advice,” and saying, “God is personally on our team.” Broncos fans, would you have been excited if Russell Wilson wrote a nice book about quarterbacking in the NFL and gave it to the Broncos? Probably not. Are you excited that he’s on your team? Probably so. That’s the difference between seeing the Bible as God’s playbook and seeing the Bible as the story of God who came in the flesh in Jesus to be one of us and redeem us from within.

Things will be better in heaven, no doubt. My gramps can walk in heaven – no wheelchair needed. Seizures won’t be in heaven. Dementia won’t be in heaven. All of that is true. That’s good news. If that comforts you, hold on to that. It’s true, it’s real. Hold onto it.

But while that’s good news, it’s only good news in the future. The good news for today is that Jesus is with us, bodies and grieving and pain and all, right now. Sure, we have an unseen hope in the by and by. But we also have an unseen hope through the bodily incarnation of Jesus made present to us through the Holy Spirit. And that’s good news for today.

Because Jesus became flesh and dwelt among us, we can cry out to Jesus. We don’t have to cry out to a set of ideas. We don’t have to cry out to some dry words on a page. We don’t have to cry out alone or in silence or pretending that it’s OK because it will all be OK someday. We can cry out to Jesus. Jesus who wept. Jesus who weeps. Jesus who is here. Jesus who is one of us.

In the context of good grief, I think the song “Cry Out to Jesus” by Mac Powell says it better than I can.

<PLAY AND SING “Cry Out to Jesus”>

[Verse]

To everyone who’s lost someone they love, Long before it was their time. You feel like the days you had were not enough, when you said goodbye.

And to all of the people with burdens and pains, Keeping you back from your life. You believe that there’s nothing and there is no one, Who can make it right.

[Chorus]

There is hope for the helpless. Rest for the weary. Love for the broken heart. There is grace and forgiveness. Mercy and healing. He’ll meet you wherever you are. Cry out to Jesus.

For the marriage that’s struggling just to hang on, They lost all of their faith in love. They’ve done all they can to make it right again, Still it’s not enough.

For the ones who can’t break the addictions and chains, You try to give up but you come back again. Just remember that you’re not alone in your shame, And your suffering.

[Chorus]

[Bridge]

When you’re lonely, And it feels like the whole world is falling on you. You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus!

[Verse]

To the widow who struggles with being alone, Wiping the tears from her eyes. For the children around the world without a home, Say a prayer tonight…

[Chorus]

Good Grief

March 13, 2022 – “Good Grief: Does everything happen for a reason?” by Rev. Cody Sandahl

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First Reading = Romans 8:22-30

  22We know that the whole creation has been groaning in labor pains until now; 23and not only the creation, but we  ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly while  we wait for adoption, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what is seen? 25But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

26Likewise the Spirit helps us in  our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very  Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words. 27And God, who searches the heart, knows  what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the  saints according to the will of God. 28We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.

29For those whom he foreknew he  also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that  he might be the firstborn within a large family. 30And those whom he predestined he also  called; and those whom he called he also justified; and those whom he  justified he also glorified.

Introduction

This Lenten season, we are in a sermon series about Good Grief. Each week we are going to highlight some cliches and things people say to each other when someone is suffering or grieving. We’ll try to highlight what’s not helpful, what is helpful, and how we can create a good grieving process.

This week we are looking at a three phrases that try to be helpful but miss the mark. The first one is, “everything happens for a reason.” At its core, this phrase is trying to make meaning out of our suffering or grief. That’s not bad. But we’ll talk more about how to make good meaning.

Sermon Text = Romans 8:31-39

31What then are we to say about these things? If God is for us, who is against us? 32He who did not withhold his own Son, but gave him up for all of us, will he not with him also give us everything else? 33Who will bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34Who is to condemn? It is Christ Jesus,  who died, yes, who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who  indeed intercedes for us. 35Who will separate us from the love of  Christ? Will hardship, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or  nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all day long; we are accounted as sheep to be slaughtered.” 37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39nor height, nor depth, nor anything else  in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in  Christ Jesus our Lord.

Cliche: Everything happens for a reason

Everything happens for a reason. Or another way of saying that is that God has a plan. Have you ever heard that? Maybe said it? It’s pretty common.

But here’s the problem with that in the context of grief or suffering. I was listening to the radio last week and I heard a story about a man who was helping to extract people from Ukraine. This was a special case – two very premature babies born in Ukraine the day before the invasion, and the parents are American so the babies need to get out safely and continue to receive appropriate care.

As the reporter was speaking to the man who was leading the extraction, the line went dead. And it stayed that way for hours. Finally, he picked up his phone after the babies were transferred to their parents at the Polish border. He said that some nearby artillery shelling had knocked out their cell service. And the shells were so close, the ground beneath them was shaking from the vibrations.

And he said something very interesting about those artillery shells. He said, “An artillery shell doesn’t look down and notice two babies and decide to land elsewhere.”

If those shells had landed on the two premature babies, would you tell the devastated parents, “God has a plan” or “Everything happens for a reason?” If so, that would make God responsible for the artillery shell instead of the military who fired it. You see, I firmly believe that God allows us to make consequential decisions in our lives. And I firmly do not believe that God has angels directing the trajectory of all the shells deciding who lives and who dies according to some giant Excel spreadsheet. That would take away all of our actual free will and it would make God very cruel indeed.

As I mentioned earlier, this phrase is trying to create meaning, to connect our grief to a larger story. That’s not bad. Now I have to take this from those who know, but I have heard it reported that childbirth is one of the most painful things a human can experience. But I have also heard it reported that it’s different and more bearable because it’s pain with a giant purpose. The baby makes the pain more bearable. Again, that’s only according to reports.

I have also heard it reported that a kidney stone can be one of the most painful experiences as well. Only a kidney stone has no purpose, no baby on the other side to make it worthwhile. It’s just painful.

So when we suffer with a purpose, it’s not as bad as just plain suffering. Finding meaning is a good thing. But chalking everything up to God’s unknowable plan has some side effects.

It can make the person being abused think they deserve it.

It can make the grieving parent think God hates them.

It can make the confused child think God is evil.

And it can lead us to distrust God instead of turning to the comfort of Christ when we need it most.

So does God have a plan? Yes. But I don’t think God’s plan stretches down to manually directing every moment of our lives or guiding each artillery shell in a war. If that’s God’s plan, he has pretty bad aim. If God were truly directing the shots to that degree, I don’t think they would have been fired in the first place and the good guys would always win and the Broncos would win the Super Bowl every year. That’s not the world we seem to live in.

Cliche: God works everything for good

Another similar cliché is reminding someone that God works everything for good, or God has something better on the other side of this. Again, there’s some good to this idea, and there’s some bad.

We heard the Bible passage about this in our first reading today. It said, “We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.”

I want to make an important distinction here. It does NOT say that all things are good. Cancer isn’t good. Epilepsy isn’t good. Injustice isn’t good. Lying isn’t good.

Instead of saying that everything is good, this text says all things work together for good. In other words, God graciously causes miraculously good things to happen even in the midst of bad situations. God is present and active in the midst of those bad things, even if he doesn’t make them go away.

So a caregiver can become more compassionate or stronger as a result of being a caregiver, but I can’t see God giving your spouse or your child a debilitating disease just to make you more compassionate. The disease is still bad. But God is graciously present and makes good things even in the midst of those bad things.

The good news is NOT that God makes everything good. The good news is that God is with us through Jesus Christ through everything, and inexplicable good comes out of even the worst situations – even death on a cross. Those situations are still bad, but God’s presence also brings about amazing good. The promise of God’s presence is what our main text today highlights starting in verse 38, “For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else  in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in  Christ Jesus our Lord.”

So you don’t have to pretend that your bad situation is good. It can still be bad. But it IS good to realize that God is present, bringing about inexplicable good in the midst of every bad situation.

Cliche: God needed another angel

One more cliché to cover today. When someone dies, have you ever heard (or said), “Well God just needed another angel?” Now, with the other cliches today, I have highlighted the good and the bad of the phrase. This one is mostly bad, so I recommend retiring this one.

First off, humans don’t become angels when they die. Everywhere you see angels and people in the Bible, they’re different. Even in the visions of heaven, the angels and the people are different. So if God needed another angel, he would make one. Because a human who dies doesn’t become an angel in heaven.

Second problem here is that it assumes God needs humans or angels more than we who remain need them. So if we tell a child when a parent dies, “God just needed another angel,” they actually hear, “you didn’t need your parent enough.” Yuck! That’s no good!

And it’s not like there are leaky pipes in heaven, so God needs to zap a plumber off of the earth to fix it, right? Although that would be one way to avoid the per-visit service fee… God didn’t make us because he needed us to perform tasks – in heaven or on earth. Our text today reminds us, “He who did not withhold his own Son, but gave him up for all of us, will he not with him also give us everything else?”

God gives his own Son! Heaven doesn’t need someone’s mom or dad or brother or sister or aunt or uncle or grandparent or dear friend! God created us for relationships and love, not to perform necessary plumbing in heaven. So God doesn’t need another human in heaven, and that human isn’t going to become an angel in heaven. And subtly telling people they just weren’t as needy as God just seems really off to me. So let’s retire this cliché! It’s trying to make our grief part of a bigger story, to impart meaning, but it’s incorrect and unhelpful.

Creating Meaning

So to recap, there are a bunch of cliches people say to essentially try to help a grieving person find meaning in their suffering. But the cliches fall short of that goal. So is there a better way to try to grieve with purpose?

Our previous book discussion on Sunday morning was Rabbi Harold Kushner’s book, “When Bad Things Happen to Good People.” And I want to lift out two key ideas for that book.

First, he has a big discussion of the book of Job. That is basically an entire book asking the question “Why do bad things happen to good people?”

In chapter two, after Job has lost his health, his money, his home, his family, everything, here’s what his three friends do. “When Job’s three friends… heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.”

OK, if you know someone who is grieving and you want to help them – do that! Just don’t do what they did for the next 40 chapters! Eventually Job essentially asks, “Why did this happen to me?” And Rabbi Kushner observes that Job was actually seeking compassion, not a theology lesson. But his friends deliver 40 chapters of unhelpful explanations for his suffering instead. So don’t do that! Do what they did in chapter 2! They showed up instead of feeling uncomfortable and staying away. They sat in silence instead of feeling like they needed to say the right thing. And they sat with Job instead of just praying for him from a distance. Fabulous!

But I have found that the cliches like “Everything happens for a reason” aren’t actually for the person who is grieving. Those cliches are often for us – to say something that “makes it right.” There isn’t anything you can say to make it right. You can make it worse, but you can’t fix deep pain with a cliché. You can help with your compassion and your presence, but you can’t fix it with a cliché. And Job’s friends show that you can’t even fix it with 40 chapters of theology. So don’t try!

If you want to help someone who is grieving, show up, don’t try to fix it with your words, and let them feel your compassion and empathy. If you bring a chocolate cake while you’re there, even better!

And when we’re the one who is grieving, is there a way we can seek meaning and purpose that doesn’t fall into those cliché traps?

I like how Rabbi Kushner re-frames the question in his book. He says that we shouldn’t ask “Why did this happen?” Instead, we should ask, “Now that this has happened, how will I respond?” If you ask why, you’ll never get a satisfactory answer. But if you ask how you will respond, the ball’s back in your court.

Someone might have done something to you, but how will you choose to respond? You’re back in the story. You have agency. You can’t change what happened, but you can shape what will happen next.

You might ask, “What kind of person did God create me to be in this situation?”

You might ask, “How can I respond in a way that is faithful to Jesus?”

You might ask, “Where is the Holy Spirit giving me the strength or peace or perseverance or hope to continue beyond my own abilities?”

You might ask, “Even though I’m furious with God for allowing this, how can I draw nearer to God through my response?”

We can’t change what happened in the past, but we can shape what happens next. “Now that this has happened, how will I respond?” There’s a lot of meaning and purpose in reclaiming your agency in the midst of your grief.

I think that’s a lot better than saying “Oh well, everything happens for a reason.” I think that’s a lot better than saying, “God has something better for you letter.” And I know it’s infinitely better than saying, “God just needed another angel.”

“Now that this has happened, how will I respond?” That’s grief with a purpose. That’s good grief. Amen.