I have been using the Life Journal for my personal devotional lately, and I have seen immense spiritual growth from the process. I recently read Psalm 8, and I was especially drawn to v3-4:
When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him? (ESV)
This is an amazing claim, if you think about it. The same God who made the heavens cares about me (and you)! The same God who set the planets in motion cares about that parking place you think you deserve in the front row at the mall. The same God who made the forces of gravity and magnetism cares about the forces of love and joy.
Thinking about this God of the macro AND the micro, I felt I needed to write down how much I have to be thankful for. I wrote down tiny little prayers answered like finding a bug in a website I was designing. I wrote down big things like my wife, my son, and my health. I wrote down medium things like a group of guys to play basketball with.
What are you thankful for? Take a moment and write it down – you’ll see why in a second.
Do You Want To Be Happier?
I also read an interesting article (link to article) about how to increase your happiness. They had students write a nontrivial (requires thought) letter of gratitude several times throughout the semester, and then they surveyed how happy they were. The results?
“I saw their happiness increase after each letter, meaning the more they wrote, the better they felt” – Dr. Steven Toepfer, Kent State University
In other words, the more we practice being grateful and thankful, the happier we feel. How much would you pay for a pill that could make you happier? Will you spend just a few minutes practicing gratefulness to achieve an even better result?
Putting It Into Practice
Take a few minutes and write down what you’re thankful for
If you have a spouse or child, tell them some specific reasons (remember: nontrivial) you’re thankful for them
Discussion Starters
How easy/hard is it for you to express gratitude to someone else?
How easy/hard is it for you to receive thanks from someone else?
My wife recently informed me that when I planned how we would celebrate her birthday I did “infinitely better than last year.” The astute reader may be asking two questions:
1. How badly did you do last year?
2. How well did you do this year?
Let us examine exhibit A.
How Badly Did I Do Last Year?
While I cannot certifiably prove that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that the road to a bad birthday experience is paved with those good intentions. I am trained in logic, sets, and recursion, so I feel the need to lay out my internal logic.
1. Birthday = celebrate someone’s life
2. Celebrate someone’s life = let them do what they want to do
3. My instincts have proven unreliable in determining what my wife will want to do
ERGO I should let my wife plan her own birthday party by asking her, “But what do you want to do?”
If you don’t read the rest of the article, at least know that this is a terrible idea!!! I’ll explain why in a moment.
How Well Did I Do This Year?
This year I took a more active role. I proposed a double-date with some of our friends. I suggested some restaurants, though we eventually settled on one of my wife’s ideas. I arranged the details with our friends. I pestered everyone to finalize the plan so we could get reservations three days ahead of time. I suggested an activity she talks about doing but never has the time to do, and I stayed home with the toddler so she could do it.
With all of that said, the restaurant didn’t take reservations and didn’t seat us for 90 minutes. My wife ended up finding the babysitter for the night, choosing the restaurant, guiding our eventual dessert plan, and buying some stuff for me while she was doing that activity on her own.
How is this “infinitely better than last year?” Didn’t she effectively plan most of her birthday again? Didn’t my part of the plan go a little haywire?
What Does The Bible Say?
Let me lift up two key verses:
“In everything do to others as you would have them do to you; for this is the law and the prophets. – Matthew 7:12 (NRSV)
Each of you, however, should love his wife as himself, and a wife should respect her husband. – Ephesians 5:33 (NRSV)
The Matthew passage is often called “The Golden Rule.” The Ephesians passage is basically restating “The Golden Rule” for marriages. This often gets summarized as “treat others how you want to be treated.” But do you see the problem? Last year I thought the best way to celebrate a birthday was to let the person choose what they wanted to do. But my wife thought the best way to celebrate her birthday was to see her husband make plans and take initiative, even if she later wanted to change them or do something herself. She wanted me to show her I was thinking about her without being prompted.
The Platinum Rule
Let me give you “The Platinum Rule:” treat others how they want to be treated. Another way to say that: love your spouse how they want to be loved.
Does this conflict with what Jesus said? I don’t think so.
I want my wife to show love to me in a way that makes me feel loved, not just in a way that is easy for her. My wife wants me to show love to her in a way that makes her feel loved, not just in a way that makes sense to my logic, sets, and recursion brain.
I did “infinitely better than last year” because I spoke my wife’s love language, not my own. I took initiative to form a plan. That showed her I was thinking about her. I modified the plan based on the input she chose to give, and I did it happily. That showed her it wasn’t about me.
I want to treat my spouse how I want to be treated. I want to speak her love language because I want her to speak my love language. If you don’t know what I mean by love language, saunter on over towww.5lovelanguages.com or buy The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman.
Discussion Starters
Have you ever done “infinitely better than last year” in something? What did you learn?
How have you spoken your spouse’s love language instead of your own?
How have you tried to answer this question? I remember how I tried to answer this question in high school.
I believed Christian life was all about following the rules – not sinning. I think I got this idea from Benjamin Franklin, but I thought every Christian should naturally have a sin calendar. The days of the week lined the top. On the left I wrote various sins I noticed within myself. Lust. Lying. Greed. Pride. Etc. (that last one’s the worst)
I took one sin at a time, marking down each day how many times I sinned in that category. Five lusts on Sunday. Three on Monday. Six on Tuesday (everything’s always worse on Tuesday).
I discovered I could virtually eliminate any sin within a week or two. So then I could move on to the next one. Four greeds on Sunday. Two on Monday. Seven on Tuesday. And on it went.
There are two major problems with this approach. #1: after I “moved on” from a sin it always came back to fill the void left by focusing on another sin. #2: this is totally NOT what Christian life is about.
How have you defined the Christian life?
The early Christians understandably had to make things up as they went (with a healthy dose of Jewish tradition to help them out). Their first attempt at this new way of living is documented in Acts 2:42-47.
Acts 2:42-47 – 42They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. 43Awe came upon everyone, because many wonders and signs were being done by the apostles. 44All who believed were together and had all things in common; 45they would sell their possessions and goods and distribute the proceeds to all, as any had need. 46Day by day, as they spent much time together in the temple, they broke bread at home and ate their food with glad and generous hearts, 47praising God and having the goodwill of all the people. And day by day the Lord added to their number those who were being saved.
According to this passage, what does the Christian life look like? Take a minute to write down what you see. For example, v42 lifts up learning and relationships.
Spiritual Growth as a Tree
Tree drawn by Judy Larson
What does Christian life look like? Picture a tree.
v46 says “they spent much time together in the temple.” Since the temple is where they worshipped, the soil for the tree is worship. The soil grounds the tree, it provides nutrients for the tree, but it isn’t a tree. Worship is foundational, but it isn’t enough.
v44 mentions “all who believed.” At some point your soil must harbor a seed of commitment to Christ. This is the moment when you are willing to trust Jesus with your life.
v42 and v46 lift up fellowship and spending time together. Your tree’s roots are formed from relationships. Tell me, how useful is a tree if it’s only a bunch of roots? You aren’t a full tree if you just have soil and roots (worship and relationships). All the best stuff is yet to come.
v42 says “they devoted themselves to the apostle’s teaching…and the prayers.” Your tree’s trunk is built through spiritual disciplines. Two of the most powerful spiritual disciplines are reflecting on Scripture and praying for guidance. On top of these you can find all kinds of disciplines like fasting, silence, etc.
v43, v44, and v46 highlight “wonders and signs,” “all things in common,” and “distribute the proceeds to all, as any had need.” Your tree branches out in ministry. Branches are useful for shade. They are useful for harboring birds and squirrels and other creatures. Branches support the fruit (don’t worry, that’s next). Branches are useful.
Finally, v47 reminds us that “day by day the Lord added to their number those who were being saved.”Sharing Christ with your friends is showing fruit. Ask yourself this, though: who receives nourishment from fruit? The tree or others? Also, think about how fruit spreads far enough away from the tree. Fruit can be carried by birds and squirrels and other creatures (thanks, branches). Fruit can also be carried by the wind (thanks, Holy Spirit).
At the end of the day, however, remember that your tree isn’t really about the soil, the roots, the trunk, the branches, or the fruit. Your tree is all about the One who is the original tree.
I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. – John 15:5 (ESV)
Some interesting research was recently summarized by The Guardian. Well, actually, it was a summary of a summary of some research. I guess that makes this a summary of a summary of a summary of some research, so take it with a grain of salt.
Long story short: screen time for children under two can undermine brain development and overall health.
So should we immediately stop showing our children TV’s, video games, computers, and smartphones? More power to you if you have that kind of willpower. If you occasionally see the benefit of a short distraction, however, let’s look more deeply at the research findings. Details matter, as I like to say.
Physical Effects
Will fifteen minutes of watching a screen negatively affect your child’s health? It doesn’t appear so. The article says:
negative effects on health kick in after about two hours of sitting still, with increased long-term risks of obesity and heart problems
So to avoid negative health effects, keep the continuous (in one sitting) screen time as short as possible. The US Department of Health and Human Services recommends keeping screen time to essentially zero until two, then gradually increasing to no more than two hours of screen time per day for an 18-year-old. This discipline will help prevent the onset of a sedentary lifestyle.
Developmental Effects
This one is even more interesting. Basically, the brain behaves differently when it’s passively watching a screen. The most informative line of the article comes from Professor Lynne Murray:
there is “a well-established literature showing the adverse effects of screen experience on the cognitive development of children under three”, but the adverse effects could be mitigated if the child was watching and interacting with “a supportive partner – usually adult”
In other words, if you are using the screen to promote eye-to-eye positive conversation and interaction with your child, it’s unlikely to negatively affect your child’s development.
What Does the Bible Say?
Deuteronomy 4:9 (NLT) – 9“But watch out! Be careful never to forget what you yourself have seen. Do not let these memories escape from your mind as long as you live! And be sure to pass them on to your children and grandchildren.
God instructs parents to instruct their children, and baby learns what baby sees. The most important thing to pass on to your child is your heart for God (your soul), and the eyes are the window to the soul.
Summary
Maximize eye-to-eye time with your child. Minimize screen time. If you need some screen assistance, use the screen to keep interacting with your child.
But if your sanity needs a fifteen minute, screen-induced break, other research states that sane parents do parent better! Speaking of which, I’m off to watch my Longhorns on TV with my son 🙂
